There are few things that send a gal into a panic faster than logging onto Facebook and seeing yet another dreaded “hand” picture. You know what I’m talking about: the photo that immediately tells the world “I’m engaged!” with a close-up view of the blushing bride-to-be’s left finger and its shiny new hardware.
It should be a celebratory moment, but here’s why it’s bittersweet: When my friends and I graduated, we were mostly on the same page about our anticipated futures. We would get jobs, date different, attractive, and interesting people every week, and each live in our own adorable studio apartments that would very closely resemble the pages of Anthropologie catalogues.
Of course, none of that actually happened. Entering the real world can sometimes feel like stepping into a horribly disappointing surprise party. Surprise! It’s the worst job market in decades. Surprise! Doorknobs at Anthropologie cost a quarter of your paycheck. Surprise! Carrie Bradshaw lied—about everything. And on it goes.
So when you realize that your friends seem to have become adults overnight, while you’re still wearing mismatched socks every day and trying to find someone worthy of even a second date, a little anxiety is probably inevitable.
But, remember that you’re not the only one who’s ever felt this way. If it seems that your life has veered off its anticipated “track” while everyone else’s is charging ahead, here are some tips for dealing.
Take a step back and think: What would your life be like if everything had gone as planned? For me, the months of recession-induced uncertainty, rejection, and unpaid internships that came before I landed my first job made me realize how lucky I was to have that job and made me work my underpaid booty off to keep it. Similarly, living with a roommate in a shoebox apartment in Manhattan has taught me some serious life skills about organization, the necessity of alone time, and never counting on that leftover slice of pizza in the fridge. As much as it might pain you to admit it, there’s truth in the saying that life’s best lessons come from facing unforeseen setbacks.
While it’s easy to project your feelings of anxiety onto your friends and their newfound joy, try to remember that your engaged pals are likely just as surprised as you are that they’re taking this huge step in their lives. “Adulthood” isn’t a tangible thing that you suddenly possess, and becoming engaged won’t necessarily make your friends feel like grown-ups. If you’re placing your friends on a pedestal, remember: That shiny new diamond is just one part of the story. Their lives might not be going exactly as they anticipated, either.
Write down what you thought you would have accomplished by this point in your life. Then write down what you actually have accomplished. You’ll likely look at the two lists and realize that you’ve achieved many of your goals—even if your methods were nontraditional. You may also have surpassed your expectations, redefined your aspirations, and met ones you hadn’t even anticipated. And if there are still a few goals on that original list that you’d like to achieve, recognize that their being there will push you to keep achieving.
Now make a list of everything that you are grateful for—from that daily cappuccino to those long runs after work. It’s likely that few (if any) of your gratitude-inducing treats are exclusive privileges of married people. And you’ll feel less stressed when you remember the amazing things you do have (like time for Sunday brunch—your wedding-planning friends probably can’t say the same).
Of course, even after all this, you might still be wondering: but when is it going to be my turn? And sure, that’s fair. But look at it this way: Nothing about your life has been as you expected it to be, so why should getting engaged or married be any different?
I’m still a single gal myself, and I don’t have it all figured out. But I think that maybe one day you just realize that there is no “right time,” but there is a right person whom you had better hold onto for dear life.
Maybe it won’t hit you until you’re uploading a picture of your own hand to Facebook—and then you’ll smile with a hint of satisfied irony. You’ll remember all the mixed feelings that photos like those used to cause you. But by then, you’ll feel so certain about what that picture represents.
Katy Reddin grew up in Dallas, TX, but has since become an east coast convert. She earned a Bachelor’s degree from The University of Virginia, and then decided to take a victory lap the next year, leaving after having earned her Master’s degree in English. She now works in Corporate PR at one of the top five public relations firms in Manhattan, where being on all forms of social networking at work (at once) is luckily a part of her job.
Thank you for this article! I been single and i have a someone I'd love to spend the rest of my life but all this waiting is hard. I date other people and he doesn't. Anyways, many of my close gfs are married, engaged or have a baby. I'm 34 going to be 35 and I strongly believe I will not commit until I know I have established myself. Although sometimes life has different plans and you just really don't know where your life will be in the next coming years.
This is such a great article. I really really needed it and I'll probably be coming back to it time after time when I need reminding. So simple and so smart.
Also, yay for Texans who live on the East Coast and work in PR!
I love this article and all the comments! It really makes you feel better and proud to be single! I am in a committed relationship with a man I absolutely adore but do not see marriage in the near future mainly due to financial and career pressures. I think many people my age think that being married and dating seriously are going to be the same thing essentially, but they are not. At 25 I've already seen how different my married friends act and feel about their relationships compared to their single couple counterparts. Being from the South, it is an everyday occurrence to hear someone is engaged at my age or younger, and this time of year is is almost a weekly event to attend a wedding or wedding shower! I think I will sit tight and enjoy my single years to build up myself and my career before I take the plunge into wife duties and motherhood!
Thanks I'm 25 and already trying to deal with constant question of why aren't you getting married/ having kids yet. My co workers are always asking me this, even though they know I'm single. I don't think they understand what it's like these days. And it's not like they even introduce me to anyone. The problem is it really does make you feel like a failure.
I held out for my "knight in shining armor" and met him when I was 29. We got married when I was 33 and had 4 children in 5 years. It was a magical wedding... everything I dreamed of from the proposal, the ring, the homes, the business... until he met a beautiful 21 year old and left me, literally, standing in the road with nothing after 15 years of life together. A reality is that people change when they get older.
It was a painful ending but I am so thankful that I was blessed with my children from that union... if you are young and in love... wait. Do not envy those sporting the big diamond; it is a surreal experience for them and one that hopefully lasts but facts exist that shows more marriages end in divorce than not.
I know now that "love" and respect did not exist in our marriage. Now at the age of 46, I have a new life and have found a man that I would have never imagined would define "true love"... and we do not need a piece of paper to prove it exists. We found each other when life had dealt us painful memories and we knew life experiences had led us to each other.
Being single is not a sign of failure either. It is a sign that one is carefully taking on life and the thousands of decisions that are made everyday.
I hope that when two people who are ready for that commitment hold on to one another because it is a difficult road sometimes... wait for the person who completes you, who knows your thoughts, who is your best friend, who will stand by you when times are tough... when you have all of those things and more, the ring, the wedding, the piece of paper and all of life's happy moments will be even greater.
The harsh reality is that 50% of those blushing bride's-to-be' will be divorced in 10 years. Appearances are often deceiving, and the fact that "everyone is doing it" has never been a good reason to do anything. Personally, I'm holding out on the marriage thing until I'm at least 35...
Thank you so much for this article! It really does put things back into perspective! I just graduated and looking for my first job, as I wait for graduate school decisions and it does sting a bit when you see someone getting engaged and suddenly think, "well their lives just seem perfect". I'm sharing this on Facebook for my un-engaged, needing a reality check friends! Thank you again!
As a great man once said, "Everyone I know is getting married or pregnant. I'm just getting more awesome."
True story.
Wow! You really nailed it with this! I so completely and wholeheartedly relate to the below:
"Of course, none of that actually happened. Entering the real world can sometimes feel like stepping into a horribly disappointing surprise party. Surprise! It’s the worst job market in decades. Surprise! Doorknobs at Anthropologie cost a quarter of your paycheck. Surprise! Carrie Bradshaw lied—about everything. And on it goes."
My life altering realization was that life isn't a Sex and the City episode, and actually I'm pretty glad that it isn't!
I'm a guy, and find this article to be great ! I really do feel anxious and stuck when I see all my friends get married, engaged, etc. It is bittersweet because even though you are happy for them, their success makes you look at your failures, but that's where positive thinking plays a huge role I guess :)
Anyways, thanks for the advice, and great article !
