Do you remember those playground days, when the grade school rumor mill churned violently any time a girl and a boy were spotted together in the sandbox? I remember being a six-year-old with a heightened sense of justice, huffing over the discrepancies in attitude when I played with my friend Alex (girl) and when I played with my friend Alex (boy). The game was the same, the name was the same—but the attitude was so different.
Since I started working, I’ve found that, at times, the office can be frustratingly similar to the sandbox. Though we’ve come a long way in the last few decades, though women are now taken seriously as colleagues in nearly every field, it can still be difficult to navigate professional relationships with members of the opposite sex, particularly relationships with a superior.
Should a young woman’s behavior change when she reports to a man rather than to a woman? I posed this question to numerous young women and received myriad varying opinions. Many shared personal stories about times they had grappled with this very issue. Others felt that a woman should treat each colleague—whether peer or boss, male or female—exactly the same, and that to suggest otherwise was antiquated and sexist.
Like it or not, inherent differences between men and women exist, even in a supposedly “gender-blind” place like an office. And navigating these differences is essential for a young woman’s own comfort and success.
Unfair though it may be, the sandbox attitudes resurface: the same interactions between a woman and her male employer can be perceived differently than the exact same interaction between a woman’s male peer and that same employer. One young woman who worked in consulting recalls,
When I was a consultant, I saw many of my male colleagues get a drink after work with a more senior person on our team at 10 PM or later while traveling. Female colleagues couldn’t do the same thing—having drinks one-on-one with an older married man at a hotel would definitely start a rumor mill at best, and an uncomfortable situation with the superior if the drinks invitation was read the wrong way.
The double-standard can apply in reverse, too. At a previous job, my female coworker and I would often have lunch with our young, female boss. At meals, our conversation would inevitably turn to dating and relationships, and we became close with her in a way that our male coworkers never did. Unfair? Probably. But did it happen? Yes.
None of this is to say you as a young woman can’t work closely with a male supervisor. As a young professional female, however, you should be aware of these differences—and differences in perceptions—during your interactions.
If your boss invites you out for drinks with other men on your team, go—but remember to be yourself. Don’t like talking about sports? Don’t pretend to. Can’t go shot for shot with the guys? Don’t try. Ultimately, you want to be respected for the work you do and for the confidence you display, which you’ll best convey when you’re in your comfort zone.
In the office, act appropriately. In a private meeting with a male boss, avoid closing the door. Be aware of your office’s dress code and avoid unwanted come-ons by erring on the side of a more conservative work wardrobe. Exude confidence in your speech, your posture, and your body language to indicate that you are not someone who can be taken advantage of.
And if a boss invites just you out for drinks, make sure you know the implications of that invitation. If you’re uncomfortable, suggest re-scheduling the meeting for coffee. If your relationship is friendly, go to a well-lit bar and remember to drink responsibly.
Being cognizant and aware can only help you as you begin your career.
Now tell us what you think! Weigh in: do you interact differently with male and female supervisors?
Photo courtesy of alisdair.
4 Comments on "When Genders Matter in Your Work Relationships"
I have had both – male and female bosses – so I feel like I have a good knowledge on the pros and cons of working with each gender. While I think that it has to do mostly on the individual, I do find social problems to be, well, problems. I can’t just get a drink with my male boss after work, but a bunch of my male counterparts do all the time.
One thing I find with female bosses is they tend to share more personal information (TMI). I find this rather annoying. All I really want to do is learn more about business, rather than listen to her cry about family problems. I don’t mind sharing personal information but there is a line…
Ridiculous.
I’ve had similar experiences to Jocelyn – but to the point where I had to report to HR that I was uncomfortable with my female boss’s conversation topics. She would pass around her phone at meetings with pictures of her friend’s abs, for instance. Every meeting or conversation with her would devolve into discussions of her kids or her nanny. It was like living in a sitcom. NOT FUN.
All of my male managers have been fantastic – professional, courteous, and interested in helping my career grow.
Interesting. I’ve never had a female boss (besides professors for whom I TA’d), so my only experience is with male bosses. Two of the three male bosses are usually pretty good about not crossing the line (occasionally they all do by saying things like “Oh wow, you look nice. You should wear makeup more often” at the office holiday party or how one asked me to go up to his hotel room to listen to him play a Green Day song on his guitar – I did so reluctantly, but immediately after the song). But one of them constantly jumps across the line with a female coworker of mine – asking many inappropriate questions.
In comparison, however, I am boss to about 20 people, and I rarely share any personal information, probably because I’m very close to their age (their avg age is probably 25, and I’m 29) and don’t want them to see me as a peer, but as their boss and still respect me. I recently got engaged and so many of those 20 people have “cautiously” asked (because I’ve never discussed personal things with them before) me about the wedding planning etc after seeing my engagement ring. Before that, I doubt they even knew I was dating anyone.
A very important subject for sure. Maybe this is more of an issue in the US due to cultural factors, to me it seems like you are telling people to expect problems as the default. I would advise women to assume a completely relaxed and natural attitude to their male bosses and colleagues unless certain behavior gives them reason to suspect otherwise. I used to work in consulting and almost always had male bosses, most of them older and married, and it was completely normal for us to grab dinner or drinks after work.
Maybe male colleagues could be slightly less eager to have drinks with a female co-worker on their own to avoid speculation, but I have seen it happen so many times in a harmless and friendly way that I think there is no reason to make an issue out of it. Definitely one shouldn’t scare young women starting out their careers into being self-conscious.